Childhood Traumas, it's Effects: Drugs, Sex and Rock and Roll

The Younger years are the most formative ones.  

You are developing and your parents are already forming who you will grow up to be, but that is not all. Your path to who you'll become is formed of many components. 

Your parents, your friends, your teachers and mentors, your classmates, your friends, your passions and joys and so many other factors.

So there is no ONE blame or reason for what you become, other than yourself and the decision you take along the way.

I was brought up by my mother, and my maternal grand-parents. No father in sight.

It was mom and I against the world. No men to create shade on our trajectory. We would laugh together, sing to Celine Dion in the car together, Watch Passe-Partout together, she would bring me everywhere. It was perfection. Love at its best.

Life cannot stay like that forever and I understand it now, today.

My mom had lots of friends. Of all corners of life...  All types of friends.  Some with bad habits, friends in prison, violent friends and some better ones.

We would visit some of her friends and AA meetings. I would serve the coffee for the guests and some of her friends. But all and all, we were one together and I felt safe.

We were happy together. I didn't care about the rest, I was simply happy to be her daughter. Just as a child should be.

But the welcoming of a new person soon came to create a shade on our journey. A new men.   A new era. A shady era. One that was crowded by drugs, shouting, rough housing, violence, verbal abuse, physical abuse and psychological abuse.

That time was dark. My mom became distant, she wanted to create a happy family. She was trying hard to make it work with her new boyfriend. He wasn't nice. She was pushed down the stairs, whilst 8 months pregnant.  He used to hit her and me, pushed her, screamed at her and me, he took me around to his friends house to buy drugs and use drugs. He took me on a boat, where the son of his friends wanted to touch me and make me touch him... All revolting and hurtful situations. I was only between the ages of 3 and 5.

A time where he would abuse drugs so much, that he would get into fights for them. Coming back home with a bloodied shirt, a bruised face. Humiliating me in front of others, for simple things, like finding things on the ground. Shouting at me for existing and being around in his relationship. Throwing things at me because I made too much noise. Slapping me, because I woke up too early. My mom was trying to protect me. He was manipulative.

Then came my little brother. He was cute. I was happy to have a sibling.  A new baby in the family to care for and have fun with.  I lost a little more space... Less quality time with my mom. We weren't just the 2 of us anymore.  It was the 4 of us now.  

This man created a stressful and unhappy living situation for a 5 year old. I was pushed aside, slapped for being jealous of my new brother. I had to care for him, more than a 5 year old should, because he couldn't take good care of us and my mom had to take more care of him, whilst protecting us. I would and We would leave the house in the middle of the night to take refuge at my grand-parents house. Leave the instability that he created.

I even remember there was so much screaming, that I once picked all the neighbours tulips, without asking, to put a balm in their argument. Get them to stop screaming at each other.

Don’t worry, I soon apologized for my wrong doing. LOL

At 6 months of age, my brother lost his father.  I was freed of this monster. He died of a drug overdose. It was sad. My mom was blamed for his death, even if she had nothing to do with this. The only fault she had, was not being able to leave him in time. So much sadness came from this era. But so much relief came from us being free again. The relief of never experiencing his fear and not feeling safe anymore.

We were free to live and start a new chapter. 1 mother, 2 kids agains the world. I loved my mom and I loved my brother. He was so small. So defenceless.

We were starting anew, with a few scars from the last 18-24 months. Scars that stayed for a long time. 

One day at a time it happened. Forgiveness. I simply needed to live in the present moment and lead my life with love. Love for myself and care of others. 

Live and let live. To be or not to be, as my grand-mother used to say. I choose... To Be!

This time felt dark for many years, but with almost 40 years since, all these deeply set wounds are healing, through therapy, self care and self love. Learning that I am not what happened to me all those years ago and that I deserve to love myself. Learn to accept what happened, and that they were only there to build me into a strong and loving woman.

It's a choice we make in life to take our history and past and turn it into what we want to turn it into. Only you can make that decision. And only you will live with the consequences of those actions. So make them worth while, because you're worth it!

We can become victims of our situations, or become victors and rise like the Phoenix.  Or simply grow into the beautiful Lotus Flower.  

After the darkness, always comes the light.  

it’s how you decide you want your situation to affect you.  And for how long.  It is ok to grieve a hardship.  But is it ok to remain the victim?  

Who do you want to be ?  The Victor or the Victor!