A Biological Father... Whatever

A parent is a parent by choice. The title is officially given only because the person has given a seed or an egg to create the child, but the title of Dad is one that is earned by time, love and real parenting.

Some people take it more seriously than others and that shows in the upbringing and state of mind of the child as he or she grows up.

The presence, time and love makes all the difference.

Throughout my life, I've never really been in touch with my Real Father, except sporadically.  As I have mentioned in my previous articles.

This is our journey...

He was young. 17, when my mom got pregnant. She was 22. She wanted to keep me, he didn't want to. So My mom kept me, without even asking anything from him.

At 4 years old, we came across him, whilst in the car. This is when I learned who he was. We crossed path quickly.  For years to come he would want to see me only when it suited him and helped him look interesting to his various friends and girlfriends. 

Later on, around the age of 9 I would go and see him and his new girlfriend, who had 2 daughters. He would take care of them, but not me. I would come back crying every time I would see him. He just didn't care about me. I was a prize to show around whenever it benefited him.

At 16, I wanted to get to know him more, learn who he was, in order to learn about who I was. I knocked at his door, unannounced. I needed to find myself. He opened the door surprised. We chatted for a few minutes and he finished by saying: "I'm not ready to have you in my life, please don't come back." He closed the door and that was it. I left with the regret of, yet again, being rejected.

Around when I turned 18, he met his new girlfriend. A sweetheart! She was thrilled to know he had a daughter. That's when he became very interested in having me in his life, again. He called me, offered me everything I would want, even going on a trip, take me out for meals, had chats that we never had before and more. 

All to parade me around to his new girlfriend, which I didn’t understand then. We created a small bond. I was happy to finally understand the other side of me I had never understood. He was funny. I liked being around him, for once he took notice of me and an interest in me, like never before.

A couple of years later, I went travelling and never heard back from him. Until I got back.

He was no longer with his girlfriend. He had started using drugs again. Crack... He was hurting himself. He was calling me for help. I would run to him. I wanted to save him. I didn’t want to go back to being fully rejected and ignored. I wanted to save the small relationship I was holding onto...  Like the little girl inside me who just longed to be accepted and seen.

The day I got kids, things took a turn for me, towards him. We were still back to barely speaking and I didn’t want my children to be around any drug addict, like I was when I was young. That's when I decided to block things with him. My daughters had only met him twice in the distance. (by coïncidence) I couldn't put my children through anything I had been through. It was too much. I had to go. It was my time to go and leave him, like he had done all my life. But this time it was with a decision I made mine with my children’s best interest at heart. No grudge or animosity.  

Throughout my 30s, he’s tried to get in touch with me, to reconnect. He was no longer using drugs. He wanted to be part of my daughters life. It was me this time that had had enough of him. Scared he would disapear again and do it to my daughters.  I took control of my life and simply told him that I didn't have space for him in my life.

The roles had reversed. Today, I am numb to him. He's just not part of my life, and it is better this way.

It can be a hard and a long road to fully recover and understand the meaning of a real parent and what kind of implications we want them to have on our life. The struggle to get to the comfortable place and state of mind to achieve this balance became a long road. Our parents are, even if we don’t want to, an integral part of us. We are an integral part of them and its often the only way to fully understand who we are.

Whether you are raised by both parents, a single parents, step parents, adopted parents or extended family members, remember that what matters is you and that you find you and a way to love yourself to better find your real meaning in life.

A life with feelings of abandonment and / or rejection, is one that follows you for a long time.  It is one to heal and care for.  

It’s not because they gave you life that they deserve a place at your table.  It is your choice to make.  As long as you respect yourself, you are always making the best decision.

You are worth it!