29. Depression, Anxiety and Mental Illness

From May 2016 to December 2018, I was no longer my own boss… I didn’t own my own business… I was back to being an employee. With a boss telling me what to do.

It wasn’t as bad as it sounds… It just always is inside my head. It felt like I was going backwards, not forward. But with 2 kids, I had to do, what I had to do.

I was happy, thriving and working hard. Trying to settle back into our life in the city, after coming back from our attempt at starting fresh in another country. We were ready to do it, but it meant starting new roots, new foundations and working hard.

We sold our house we lived in and the other building we owned.. and moved back at my moms place, with my husband and children, for 6 months. Thank god for her!

We had to, so we could start right, again.

We purchased our new home and moved in it in November 2016. Settled into our new neighborhood, whilst I was working in this new job.

Starting fresh, but here at home… Not in a foreign country. The job was satisfying. But for an entrepreneur, you never know how long you’ll last. You never know how long you can make it being told what to do and how to do it. Even if the boos is flexible and the team very fun to work with.

It was my husbands turn to start his own company and make it grow. It was his turn to make something of himself, here in a country he wasn’t born in, but was determined to make his full time home.

So he did. I was working, to make sure the income was sufficient for the family. Back in my 9 to 5 routine. Picking up the kids from daycare. Being a wife. Being a mom. Being an employee. Being. Just Being and living the routine life, not living to my fullest potential. It was tiring and draining to not live at my full potential… but I knew it was temporary and that I could get back to myself in only a short while. It was only temporary.

My body had other plans for me. My mind had other plans for me… The longer I was in this position the worst I felt. The more my head was in a spin. 1 Year Later, I was getting caught in the routine.. the daily life. The responsibilities. The damaging responsibilities. The ones that keep you from really achieving your full potential, by fear of not meeting those responsibilities. The ones that drains the life out of you.

December 2017 came around and a full meltdown came tumbling down. I was sitting at the doctor’s office and she asked me if I was taking too much on…? To which I responded by unleashing a flood of tears. I didn’t know where it was coming from, but it was there building up inside me. I spent Christmas 2017, just in a spin. Unable to see people. I had retracted myself from my friends and family. I just couldn’t deal with who I was, where I was and where I was going. My life had no meaning, other than being what had become my reality, but not me.

Some might say, well... This is what life is. Is it?! Or is it what society makes you believe or that its easier to tell ourselves that, than to work hard at getting yourself to a better place. Your real place!

January 2018 came around and I went back to my doctor. I was supposed to go back to work, after the holidays… And I just couldn’t bare the thought of returning, or simply going out of my house.. without bursting into tears. Without being fearful of the person that was living inside me.

My doctor signed me off work for several months. During which I started not being able to get out of the house, see anyone, I wanted to die and end my life. At that point I realized I had to do something, see someone, take something to help. I was prescribed anti-depressants, which I refused initially, but resigned myself to them in the end and assigned to see a psychologist. They all helped in the end.

Ewan was there to help. He was supportive, taking care of the kids as much as he could, when I couldn’t. My dog Roxy was my saviour. She was by my side every time she felt I was going down the rabbit hole. Always there to cheer me up, lick me, kiss me, stand next to me just to be there. She saved me. No one knew how to get me out of this hole. So the work had to be done by me only.

Months later, in May 2018, my time was up.. I had to make a decision to either go back to work or find another path. I got the phone call… I will remember it for the rest of my life. I had to decide. The financial help was ending.

Thinking about going back to work was my worst nightmare. It brought me back down to the darkness of myself. Ewan came around and offered me to continue into the business with him and do it as a team. (Which we had a little before then, but to be 100% devoted to it with him) I hopped on board, and I haven’t looked back ever since. The darkness faded away afterwards. Time healed me. Healing my wounds helped heal me. Getting back to my essence of being an entrepreneur healed me.

The choice of working in a job and going against who I was at the core, destroyed me. It created a downward spiral that was pushing me far away from the person I truly am, therefore, my head and body paid the cost of the during that time. When you go against the grain of who you truly are, in every sphere of your life, at some point it will catch up to you and find a way to break you down, to help you get back to your essence.

Mental health is important. It can make you or break you. You must listen to that little voice inside you that tells you you’re on the right path and / or doing the right thing, or not.

Talking about it is important. Realizing there is a problem is the first step. Never let anyone dissuade you from having a healthy mental state… Many unpleasant situations can come from it, such as: Depression, Anxiety and much more.

Find help. Speak to a friend or family members. Find a group to speak to. Cry. Write. Go to the gym. Shout. Let it out! Those are some of the ways to realign yourself with yourself.

Keep you Mental Health Top of mind. Without it, the body doesn’t follow. Be you’re true self, always! You deserve to be the best verison of yourself. More or less 80 years in an unhappy body is a long time to be unhappy. You are worth the effort and the time.

#MentalHealth #Mentalhealthawareness