12. Separation / Divorce

Have you gone through the separation or divorce of your parents? Has it affected you in a way that has affected your life? Does it still affect many years later?

The 2 people who have created you and / or created a safe and loving environment for you, your whole life (or several years) are no longer on the same page. Parents don't always share with their children what is really happening in their relationship. They want to shelter you from the bad. You often can only understand these situations when you get older and have to live with someone and the relation gets tougher... You've got to live it, to understand it.

The months leading to it was very loud. I was back in an unpleasant family dynamic. Screaming, shouting, things being thrown around and things breaking. I would hide in my bedroom and my siblings room. Keep them away from it. Close the door and pretend nothing was happening. Hide.

We had a pathway between our bedrooms. We liked to hide in there. We did when the shouting began. Our little haven.

After 5 years as a family of 5, it was all about to change, in the winter of my 12th birthday. The summer before the start of high school.

He left. My world went crashing down. My mom's world came crashing down. My brother and sister's world came crashing down. He had had enough and was no longer happy. He took his bag and just went out the door, with not even a "goodbye". My brother and sister looking out the window, seeing their father leaving. Their first heartbreak.

My mom got in a bad depression. Alone now with 3 kids, most of the time. (with visiting time every other week)... Again, back in the same situation, but with 3 kids now. She was alone, depressed, angry, and in bed a lot. Crying a lot. She was trying so hard. She was trying to hold the fort together, but it wasn't enough for their love. Their relationship couldn't work any longer.

I stepped up. I took care of my siblings. She needed some time to heal. I wanted to give her the time to heal. She was so hurt. I was the big sister, so I took it upon myself to make sure the others were happy and affected the least by it all.

That period of time was sad. The happiness of our family had left. We were no longer united. We were shared, separated... My siblings would go see my dad, I would stay behind with my mom. She probably felt I had had my share of broken relationship and I had always just been hers, so she kept me with her. She took the best decision she thought she could at the time.

It separated my siblings and I. It created a bridge between us. They were living things with my dad that I wasn't sharing with them. Creating memories that I wasn't apart of. But I was helping my mom cope with the difficult separation. As my own choice. We were again united, but maybe not in the best possible way. I felt a needed to be there for her. I was taking care of her. I was proud of that.... Until a few years later when I started to resent her for it and resented her for the decision of separating my siblings and I. That gap it created was hard to gain back, and it can still be, at times, to this day. So many memories created, so many laughs shared. It was hard to compete with it all. A lot of pain came later on from this. Today, I know that those decision were mine and that my mom took the best decision she could at the time.

A separation or divorce are tough to go through, but they are often the best decision for the person / people doing it, living in the relationship. Sometimes it just doesn't work anymore. Children are better with 2 parents separated and happy, than 2 parents together and angry. As long as the process is done gently and with love, communication and with the understanding that it is done with love for the children and their well being. Step by step a new family dynamic can develop and happiness will ensue.