10. Moving and Not Moving On

All that you can live through in a life time, you'll sometimes want to run away from your worries, your problems. It feels good in the moment, but they will catch up to you in the long run. Grief, Pain, Hurt, Failed relationships, and more. They are events that mark you and shape you into the human being you are, but don't let them swallow you whole and take away the light that make you shine. Keep shining, find a way to keep being bright.

After several months of living all together in really close proximity with our whole family and his friends, my parents announced that we were moving. They had bought a house, just for us. I was getting my own room AND my own double bed. I was 8 and a big girl now! I was going to go to a new school, from 2nd grade onwards.

I found out that my real father had moved into the same neighbourhood, with his new family. I had crossed his path when I was 4 years old, in a car with my mom, but nothing more. It was then that she "introduced" me to him. But never really saw him much.

He had a new girlfriend, who had 2 daughters of her own. He took care of them, as his own. He wanted me to come visit to meet his new family...

I would go and see him and he wouldn't really take care of me, but he would take care of them. I felt rejected. I felt unwanted. They were better and more important than me. I would come home crying every time I saw him. I felt like a toy he coud use and throw away as he pleased. One day, my mom decided it was best if I didn't go to their place anymore. It was more damaging to me. I crossed their paths a few times at the supermarket, the park and more. Always sending a knife into my heart. I knew I had a real father that wanted nothing to do with me, but was willing to take care of his girlfriend's daughters.

I guess down the line I now understand that he couldn't give me what he had never had himself. By the time I was older, there was probably shame that he hadn't been in my life in the first place. So he probably replaced me for the others daughters, to make up for what he hadn't done with me. It's hard to live these situation, but once you grow older and live in the this world, you quickly understand that there is always another side to every story, to every way someone talks or acts. It's rarely about you... Just remember that.

Their past is your present, but not your future.

This new home brought new friends, new neighbours. I was never the same after my run-in at the park. I was always wary of strangers. Staying away from them and imagining the worst, but I still felt safer than I had the previous years, living near that park. This new home was a new beginning. A fresh start to meet new people, go to a new school, make new friends. Which I did...

At that point in my life, I was already aware a more than most people my age... 9 years old... my rapid "upbringing" came into play. I was already aware of personal/ private parts, I was aware of drugs, I was aware of violence, I had known drug, sex and rock and roll...

It was all in the past now...

I met a nice girl, who also had had some tough time with her family. We became close and helped each other. It was nice to have someone understand me and vice versa.

All these memories, would come up in my dreams. I was so obedient, that I never let anything show. But I would have night terrors and nightmares. At 9, I started to see a psychologist. I had seen psychiatrist when I was younger... but I needed to let off the extra steam that was still building up. It helped me understand there was always someone out there, who I could pay to listen to me. That person had no choice but to listen and offer a gentle and tender ear, for an attention lacking girl. A girl who had to be "A good girl", the "grownup", the Big sister, the one to show the example, the helper.

It was then that I started swimming... To release some pressure... and Hang out with a better crowd then the one at school...

Every situation has a purpose. Everyone you cross paths with in your life has a purpose in your life. No matter how big or small it is. They can make you or brake you. As a child it is hard to understand why certain people make your life hard or painful. It is only later that you better understand those things. Unfortunately it is why certain kids become troubled adults. They weren't led on the right path or didn't have the right guides around them. Giving a second chance and getting to know someone better (know their past), especially the ones that have hurt you, will help you heal those wounds and allow you to continue your journey as a stronger human.